I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. That it’s ending. I didn’t want to believe it. Least of all, accept it. Surely this can’t be it. We were so good.
And yet. Here I was, toughening myself up to pull the plug. On something I believed would last a lifetime.
Heartbreaks are never easy. Doesn’t matter if you were the one who was blindsided or the one who decided to end it. The pain is all the same.
Thereafter, you’re left with memories. Of how happy you once were. And bewilderment. Over how it all went so wrong. A blip of hope. Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other? And a silent resignation. Even if we do, I know things will never be the same again.
And then there’s the regret. I should have chosen better. I should have seen the warning signs. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have paid more attention to my needs. I should not have wasted so much time on this.
I should… not…have…loved.
This is the hardest part of all. Regretting having loved the person. Regretting letting yourself be vulnerable in front of them. Regretting pinning your faith on that person. Regretting letting that person hurt you the way they did.
And regretting still loving them, no matter what.
Thing is, once you have loved someone, you can’t just switch it off. There will always be a part of you that’d want good things to happen to them. The part that rejoices in their successes and feels bad over their defeats. The part that wants them to find happiness – even if it’s not with you and even if it breaks your heart just thinking about it.
Because it’s the people we leave. Not the love. Once you’ve loved someone, you’ve shared a valuable amount of your life energy with them. You can’t just take it back. And honestly, you shouldn’t.
So what if it didn’t turn out the way you thought it would? Times change. People change. Circumstances change. Just because a person has now turned out to be wrong for your future, does not mean he or she wasn’t right for your past.
That was a different time. With a different you and a different them. At that time, it was exactly what you both wanted. It was exactly what felt right. Don’t apologize to anyone for following your heart. Stories must end when they’ve run their course. And some are meant to be short ones. But that doesn’t make them any less significant, or real.
Never regret loving someone. Because at one point in time, it did make you happy. It taught you what it’s like to care about someone other than yourself. It taught you how to dream, to smile without a reason, to be vulnerable, to be kind and most of all, to be human.
When you keep the present bitterness aside and look at it, love by itself is still a wonderful thing. In a world that’s growing more and more cynical by the minute, it takes a lot of gumption just to love. And you had that courage. To go out there and put your heart on the line.
So what if it broke? What’s life without a few battle scars anyway?
Go to your corner. Lick your wounds. Take all the time you need. But make sure you walk out of it with your head held high and your heart as open, giving and loving as before. Because like life, even love goes on. You have an infinite capacity to love and there are infinite souls out there who deserve your love. And most importantly, you deserve to be loved – in every way you’ve ever wanted.
So stop being cautious. Once you’re ready, start letting the world in. Allow someone to look into your eyes, your heart, your soul. Let them love you in their own, special way. And don’t be scared to love back.
Because now you know, that your heart can survive a lot more than you give it credit for.